Triumphant Return

The Triumphant Return of Movie Theater Hookups

Now that the pandemic is receding, going to the movies can resume its place as one of the most popular options for a first date. Unfortunately, this means you can’t simply pause the movie for some kissing or playtime halfway through. While Netflix and Chill certainly has its benefits, such as the lack of an audience, it’s not the same as theater popcorn, an oversized beverage, and the rumble of the seats during loud moments in the movie.

If you’re planning to break out of your house and try watching those romantic comedies in the outside world again, there are three main things you need to keep in mind.

Firstly, the theater is a public place. That means if you’re going to be naughty, you need to be careful not to get caught. For some, the thrill of potentially getting caught is enough to turn them on. For others, making out in public or small exhibitionism will have them begging for a little hand action before the end of the previews. No matter what gets your motor running, remember not to be too discreet.

Secondly, theaters showing new releases are generally pretty crowded. If you’re looking forward to a little hanky-panky in the back row, choose a movie that’s at least a few weeks old or isn’t super popular. That way, there won’t be many other people, and there’s the added benefit that you probably won’t miss anything you want to see. Tuesdays are generally the least crowded time to see a movie, so use that to your advantage. Basically, you want less than a third of the theater filled, with a row to yourselves and no one directly in front of or behind you.

A brand new, clean theater is also likely to have security guards that randomly pop into theaters to make sure no one is doing exactly what you’re doing. So, just go for something less likely to have security cameras inside the theater.

Getting Down to Business

So, how do you get away with fondling the squish mitten or shaking his joystick a couple of times without getting caught by other movie-goers?

Try going commando for easier access, and opt for a loose t-shirt or hoodie to make nipple play easier. Theaters tend to blast the air conditioning anyway, so this won’t seem out of place.

Fast jerking movements will draw the attention of anyone else in the area, and you just know half those chairs squeak. Let the initial romance of the movie take hold of your mood and progress from there. If there are sex scenes in the movie, try starting your fun at the same time to mask any sounds you might inadvertently make.


Don’t make too much noise. If you’re a moaner or a screamer, try chewing gum or biting down on some gummy worms to keep yourself from making noise. There’s no bigger giveaway than groaning from the back row. Heavy breathing should be fine, as long as no one is nearby.

On the other hand, if things get too carried away, people are less likely to turn around and miss the movie to see you on your knees, swallowing your partner’s massive load. If no one is in the immediate area, this is the perfect spot to stick your hand up her skirt or put your face in his lap and go at it.